Five Signs You Are About to Get Laid Tonight

Dating means a lot of things to a variety of people. There is what my 82-year old grandma calls traditional dating, which involves courting, and there is the more modern version of it—perhaps a couple of dinner dates, but mostly hanging out at a bar or somebody’s house until the, uh, awesome stuff happens. Regardless of what school of thought you are from with regards to dating, the tell tale signs that things are going good or bad are still the same. You don’t need to be an expert to recognize these signs because what you need are just your eyes and a bit of common sense. Here’s a refresher course to figure out how to get laid tonight.

1. Little to no awkward pauses

When you say someone has a “good personality,” it’s code for “not much of a looker.” This corollary is pretty funny, but this doesn’t alter the fact that for you to be continuously interested in someone, they have to come off as interesting. Long pauses leading to dull moments don’t usually lead to that. These pauses leave a lot of time to dig around your head. That, my friends, is bad news. The only drawn out silence that is acceptable when out on a date is when you listen to your partner and vice versa. However, if the silence outweighs the chitchat, then you have a problem.

2. Consistency in silencing the phone

This goes together with the whole being interesting thing. If you got your date on the edge of her seat, phone calls, text messages, and what not get set aside. Spending too much time using your phone is generally the first sign that you’re losing someone. Unless you are dealing with matters of extreme urgency, a good date requires very minimal phone interruption.

3. Flex scheduling

You have to pay close attention on this one. Dinner is winding down or the bar has made its last call, then the question comes up: What are you doing now? The exchange can go two ways:

• Your date: I have to work early/pick up a friend/recharge the batteries on my vibrator/check my favorite porn sites for new videos. • Your date: Nothing right now really… Wanna do something?

It’s quite obvious which one you should go for, yes? You basically make a decent enough impression so your date will not think of you as a disgraceful douchebag.

4. Mind the malt level

If you managed to get past the critical third sign, it’s the right time to be wary and keep a look out. It’s all about knowing how to read the signs and how hard someone’s booze is, which are things that should not be overlooked. Would you believe that people tend to slam drinks just to ease the awkwardness? Anyway, if the drink is getting nursed, this may mean that things are either going so-so or smoothly. If you’re interested in someone, where’s the fun in being a heaping pile of drunkenness alone? You got that right. It’s no fun at all. So, drink accordingly.

5. “Wanna bang?”

Being tactful and profound is good, but nothing is better than not beating around the bush. Clearly, if you think you are about to get laid tonight, you did something right with someone who knows what they want.

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