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One of the great joys of being young kids was singing popular Christmas carols and replacing the lyrics with silly and dirty words. A lot of holiday seasons have already gone by, and as we’ve grown into adults—or lustful man children, as the case may be—I still play this game with my buddies, but with Christmas lists and activities that are more than a little dirty. Here is our City Sex X-rated Xmas list:

• Leave my computer alone

Our City Sex list may start off as imperative, but we’re serious—stay away from our computers. We deserve a fantasy life and we demand privacy. If we’ve taken extra precautions to hide our porn from you, please appreciate that fact and stop digging for it. You wouldn’t like what you’ll see anyway.

• Blowjob

Guys are so predictable, I know, but the key here is found on its unpredictability. We want it when we least expect it. I may be doing the dishes, watching TV or brushing my teeth, it doesn’t matter. I’d love it if she just dropped on her knees and give it to me right on the spot.

• Fetish night

This is the night when our fantasies become realities, just like Christmas, but with sex. People have trouble revealing their sex quirks, especially early on in a relationship. It’s completely understandable. “I want you to tie me up the bed post blindfolded and tickle me with a feather” is not that easy to say to a new boyfriend. What you can do is get a jar and put in written notes of your sexiest fantasies. If you or your partner feels a little extra frisky, get one from the Naughty Jar. It’s going to be pretty exciting, and trying something new is the only worst thing that could city sex happen.

• Clean sheets

All guys may have to agree on this: It’s nice to hop on a bed with fresh clean sheets. It makes us men more up for having sex.

• Morning handjob

You see, a morning blowjob can involve a lot of work, so why not start the morning with something simpler, the “bacon and eggs” of morning sex—the handjob. Men like handjobs while doing normal, everyday things like watching football game. That would be ideal. Like, “I will now take that yoga class with you” ideal.

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