How does James Franco make time for his hookup dating activities? He’s a celebrity movie actor, director, author, screenwriter, producer, painter, model, musician and instructor. Whoa. New York City is full of these overachievers, and James Franco is their poster child.

When I left New York City, I thought I finally said goodbye to the entire ambitious, grade A, Wall Street, Ivy Leaguers and their kind. But just recently, I went hookup dating with what seemed to be a scary-busy overachiever.

He was a tall and fit Ivy League doctor who looked good based on stats. He didn’t appear to be grade A. However, after I agreed to go out on a date with him, I started to have other concerns. When you look closely, his online profile didn’t have even have a trace of his sense of humor. Paired with two very professional photos—and just these two—I started to worry he is a real-life version of Patrick Bateman of American Psycho fame. I imagined him taking me home with my whole body chopped into bits and pieces. He offered to pick me up at my place in his swanky Porsche, but I declined because I didn’t want him to know where I live.

In a ritzy Peruvian restaurant, I discovered he just started his own practice. He also shared that he patented some kind of hospital device and was working to self-publish a novel. He was James Franco incarnate, except for the fact that he took himself too seriously. He even told me his ex-wife called him an egomaniac. Who, in his right mind, even shares that when out on a date?!

He was one intensely cheesy person. At one point in our date he asked, “How would you describe the taste of this wine to Shakespeare without comparing it to other tastes?” I replied, “Seriously?! My creativity is off-duty.” He actually waited, with a face that expressed how much of a fun game it was. So, I said something about a cold, crumbling gravestone, strangled by the acidity of the decaying earth. What I really wanted to say was, “This guy is about to taste the disappointment of a date that’s about to end prematurely.”

One good thing that he did was not telling me I needed Botox treatment or Restalyne. Yet.

So after that terrible date, I went home and rattled off all his achievements to my mom. She said, “If he’s so great, how come no one has snatched him off the market yet?” I let off a chuckle. But then, I thought, what if people say that about me? Nobody’s scooping me up either!

He asked me out on a second date, but I just told him the timing wasn’t right.
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